pouring rain


got up at 5 this morning. tried to listen to the radio with earphone but apparently it didnt have the hole for it so i couldnt listen anything. dad noticed me making some noise struggling so he handed me his radion in the dark but it kind of irratated me that he has been watching my behavior. so i refused to use it andhit him several times and said some evil words to him. i really regretted behaving like that.

when i changed my clothes and walked up to the living room, (actually even walking up the corridor makes me tired lately) there was my brother doing his school assignment. i was kind of surprised how he concentrated on it and from what time he has been awake.

As for last night, i could keep my word and didnt drink the forth ES. andinstead of ES, i had Tohu somen alone in the bed room. having meal alone makes me relaxed. after having supper (around 7?) i started reading books and listeningto the radio. On the most of the station DJs just  kept talking and i couldnt listen to any music so i ended up listening to classic orchestra on dull NHK, which was actually soothing and fitted to my feeling. Dad came to see me several times to bring me newspaper or tea and i could hear mom asking him how i was doing in the room. (she wants to watch me every moment.) During reading the books i kept sitting up on the sleeping mat to consume energy, but after 9pm i finally felt sleepy and lie down on it. it was still night. all i could hear was the sound of the rain (which was kindof hard) and somebodys footsound outside. As i didnt have any internet access in the room,  nothing interefered with me and i didnt have to think about anything which i liked. Also i found some nice radio station when jumbling the channels (which is for foreigners livingin Japan apparently) so i could enjoy old and classic american songs like jazz and pops and so on.   Dad came to the room around 10 and he and i fell asleep listening to the music (i dont remember what time it was). I like sleeping next to dad. it just makes me feel as if i am covered with fluffy cloud and protected with sheer intangible covering. maybe it is because he doesnt speak much (not like mom). …How dare i could hit him harshly after few hours later…i really feel sorry for that . will send e-mail to him definately later today.

oh and todays weight: 33.5kg. With jeggings(its not misspelling! jaggings is leggings made of jeans fabric) and 2 t-shirts) Although i threw away the most of ES yesterday, my weight didnt decreased. I wonder why… For breakfast i had a half can of ES andsmall amount of coffee jelly and a cup of coffee. when having breakfast mom and dad also having theirs too. it was awkward because i keep saying them not to see me having meal. i am sure they have weird feelings too. After that Mom drove my brother and dad to go out because of rain. and she also asked me how to spend the day today. she proposed going to the library or watching HDD i saved for some weeks. As i didnt go out at all yesterday i kindof feel like going out but feeling relactant at the same time. but i have a hunch that i would feel stress and irretation afternoon (around 2pm, the time when i feel hungry) so i said i would like to go to library.(it means i have to put some make-ups consequently )

aww, i really feel my mom watching me all the time…….it makes me feel the biggest stress actually. but now i feel kind of nicethanks to newly found radio station offering me nice sound. hopefully i will be able to find some good CDs at library later today.


finished lunch with tohu somen. feeling good cause i didnt have ES and still could feel full. having dizzy a bit but not as terrible as the one i have after ES. maybe it is because ES has so much calories to rise up my blood sugar level. anyways, now being a little antsy about how mom reacts. How do i make an excuse? hope mom lets me go out to the library this afternoon. i guess wheather i can go or not depends on how good i can cook up the story. maybe ” i couldnt finish a whole can this morning and left the half for lunch” seems the most acceptable…?

In todays newspaper i had a quick look for the article from NYT written by Paul Krugman. it was about how Europe countries, especially German face to the fiscal problem they have now. As for EMS, German’s supreme court is announced that they finally put their first step into the process of judging its constitutionality and i am curious about how it turns out. Apparently it will take several months to get to the conclusion but it seems German’s judgment would be a bit harsh for Greece or Italia. Krugman says in the article that even on the occasion we all can imagine the result will be the disaster, it cannot always be said that we take the best way to avoid that. so he calmly warm not to so optimistic about this kind of occasion, like “somebody will compromise”. Yes, It is always important to prepare for something. (Doesnt it explain my behavior today? )


just came back from the library. Yes i made it. But mom didnt ask me anything about ES and just said that i can go out only an hour so as not to consume much energy. I just had to listen to her. I am sure she noticed that i didnt have ES for lunch today, so its so weird she doesnt mention it. kind of scary actually. At the library i borrowed 2 DVDs as i couldnt find any CDs i want to have a go. I borrowed “Dancer In The Dark” and “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”. Both of them are famous, right? i am thinking of watching it tonight hopefully. now having ES (the 2nd can)and coffee jelly. mom also havinf coffee jelly(very sweet) i made and some snakcs. i wonder what to have for supper tonight.


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